Jiyuu
By Carizz Cruzem
Disgraced.
Convicted.
Bolted.
Am shaking... alone in this mucid, sunless void. A place where they label you as morally wrong -- measured against their bent laws.
Ha! Double standards! But we're even. They deceived me. Savages! Fools!
Nirvana denies that I exist. Nonsense! Why then do I feel the pain, misery, suffering, dejection? All lies... sewage schemes!
I am Jiyuu. I exist and I have a story.
"Sensei, please, I need my work back." I bowed and pleaded until my sweat turned to blood. He sneered.
"With no pay? Sure."
Our eyes met. His glare made me want to beat up his nose until there was no nose left at all. I retained my composure; after all, I needed to be in his good graces. "But Sensei, I have a family to provide for." I almost kissed his feet. "My wife badgers me nonstop. And... I have a little girl who needs to eat -- never mind me and my wife -- we can bear the hunger."
His tongue ran through his lips. "Your wife." His hand stroked his long white beard.
Rotten!
His head snapped. "What do I care?" He jabbed me with his walking stick -- the cane, with his initials hanging proud like a pendant at the handle. "You get out of my sight before I let my dogs have you for their dessert." He leaned closer to me. "You're not even good enough to be their lunch! I'm tired of hearing your pathetic voice," he said with a wave of the hand.
A merciless man is said to have a heart of stone. If this is true, the whoreson would have a diamond heart -- diamond being the hardest of stones. Fecal philosophy! And to think, I almost kissed his feet -- grimy and putrid feet. They even squished as he limped away from me.
I left, what with the threat of the dogs devouring me and all. A dead man, especially a dismembered one, is no good at all. I needed to find a job for the sake of my wife and my little girl.
I went to house after house asking for work, but to no avail. I dared not ask for alms. That was degrading. I wouldn't stoop that low. It was work or die trying to look for work. I wanted my little girl to be proud of me. I am a man and I have principles.
My little girl. My angel. We, hand-in-hand, had long walks every early morning breathing fresh cool sea breeze. Her little fingers were soft enveloped in my calloused grip. She gave me a big peck on my cheek every day before I leave to find work; and she waved until I turned around the corner and could not see me anymore. She came up running to meet me with outstretched arms every time I got back home in the evening and rode on my shoulders to our shack. She never failed to be there waiting for me. She had a set of big round eyes curious about everything and yet so innocent in every way. She laughed enthusiastically every time something amused her, even little things like bunny rabbits. When she laughed, I couldn't help but smile. I told her bedtime stories and tucked her in each night. I was there holding her little hand until she slept calmly. My little girl...
But that doomed day, when I returned home exhausted after a long day of looking for work and finding none, my little girl wasn't there waiting. It didn't feel right. A cane just like that of the Sensei leaned beside the door.
Through the dark, muffled sounds trickled from our bedroom. I lit the candle and push opened the bedroom door.
There, my wife and that pig!
All my toil flashed back -- the heat, the sweat, the exhaustion, the humiliation, the mockery -- I endured all those... then this... this is what I got in return!
I pulled my samurai sword and in my fury slashed them to pieces. They didn't even have a chance to cry out or even flinch. Blood gushed all over the floor, the wall... everywhere. I didn't stop slashing untill...
"Jiyuu! Jiyuu!" Frantic knock.
I threw the sword at the chopped cold meat and hurried to open the door. "What!" I barked at the person standing on our doorstep.
"Your little girl!" The ashen-faced man pointed at a group of people at the end of the street crowding at something... or someone.
My heart pounded hard as I scrambled to the crowd. I pushed all the people blocking my way. There, at the centeer of the confusion, bathing in her blood, lifeless... my angel... my little girl. I held her little hand and placed it against my cheek. I touched her face. I would never see her innocent eyes again. I would never hear her giggle again. Where was I to protect her? I snuggled her closer to my chest for the last time. My angel! Why did this happen to you? Things swirled around me, stopped and darkened.
I came to here, imprisoned. They found the scatter pieces of scum in the damned bedroom. They suspected no one but me. And my angel? When the mongrel came to our house, the skank told my angel to go out and play. My little angel was so smart that she went out looking for me instead. Some neighbors told me that they saw her running up and down the streets crying, asking people if they had seen me. Then, the carriage, owned by the slob but driven by one of his servants, appeared from nowhere in top speed and...
Life is unfair. If I had a choice, I wouldn't have chosen to be born. Hara-kiri? I would if I had the chance, but they won't give me my sword back. If I do it, I will do it right and with dignity. After all, I am a man and I have my principles.
The huge iron-gate creeks open. Soldiers' footsteps echo through the whole slammer.
Another prisoner will be led to the gallows today. Who is it going to be? They never tell. It's always a bolt from the blue when your time is up. You will only know when they unlock your hole. Some prisoners shriek. Others put up a fight.
The marching stops. Light gushed in through my cell. My time.
I didn't even give my wife a chance to explain herself. What if she was forced or drugged?
One soldier cuffs my hands behind and pushes me outside the door.
No! Forced or drugged, it was still her fault. Why didn't she shout and ask for our neighbors' help?
The cold floor numb my bare feet.
Filth! I'm not in the least sorry for what I did. Adulterers!
The gust of wind chill my bones.
But... the candle-flame played shadows on our bedroom wall. Was it my wife? Was it Sensei?
The gravel crunches underneath.
Of course! Didn't I see the whoreson's cane?
The gallows loomed high.
What if the walking stick was just a replica and it belonged to someone else?
I stumble up the plank. My nose breaks the fall. I taste blood.
No. It was them. I felt it all along. Deceit. Scorn.
This is the end.
I walk up the steps.
How ironic. My name is Jiyuu and yet I am bound.
The noose is slipped around my neck.
My daughter. Your smile comforts my tortured soul.
I am ready.
I hold my head high.
The stage gives way.
The knot
tighten.
...breathe
freedom...
angel
...with
you
now
.
posted by driftwood @ 2:18 AM
19 Comments:
An interesting writing…..from the prospective not normally considered. The plight of an anguished man. Did he really commit a crime at all? And if so, just what was it.
A few years ago a woman sued her husband’s mistress – and won a substantial amount of money. The writing raises many fundamental questions from what crime to what is a marriage to human dignity.
Cay….you have an interesting writing style. Very thought provoking.
I’m glad you posted your note below…I did not know all that. I thought about this article off and on throughout the day yesterday. Well done.
There is the thought of righteous indignation within the story, the man is helpless, with an innocent girl and a wife. He is treated badly. The Sensai represents to me coldness, cruelty and evil. While the other man is to be sympithized due to unfairness. I didn't like the fact that Jiyuu displayed the same feelings as the man who was cruel to him. The intensity of his anger and hatred for Sensai seems just as terrible as the Sensai's is for him. That gives a feeling of hopelessness. Jiyuu's anger didn't seem to have any righteous indignation because of his own hatred caused my self-pity or some other instance in his life. The story seems to leave off no better than it started. Other than that it is well written, although a little bit more clarity could be used in a couple small parts.
Nice writing, i really mean it. Good starting and ending. But like guapo said, i don't like Jiyuu to be like that I wanted to him to be sensible than he was in the story.
Thanks for sharing and keep it up!
very nice story.
you still need to practice youre writing though.
my first critique is for you to try and limit redundancies, using the same word repetitively within the same paragraph. worse, if within the same sentence.
an obvious example would be "hand-in-hand—her little fragile hand enveloped in my large calloused hand".
at this point, you can use the local dialect of your character as substitute which would be te or hando (japanese word for hand).
keep writing hija :) youre getting really good :)
its really great to see u writing such a fact of life.
keep writing on
Typical I would have to agree that he did commit a crime; but not sure the punishment fit the crime. I ask myself, did the master commit a crime? And if so, what should his punishment have been? For me, I think it horrible that some people...especially those in authority, think they can mess with and even destroy other people's lives. So as I said, for me, there was a lot of food for thought. I liked ingkong's comments. Some good points made as to actual writing technique.
i liked the story. it's not your typical overly sappy boy-meets-girl story...nice going ;) the only fault i can find is your use of informal language...like, for example "So, I went on my way, what with the dogs devouring me and all", would've been better without the "and all" at the end. and also i found that you didnt really introduce the wife in a sense that we, the readers, dont know anything about her until jiyuu saw her at the house. i think you got a bit carried away in describing the daughter that you left the mother out of it. i think you could've included one or two sentences about the mother before that scene at the house when jiyuu's abrupt feelings of animosity start to show. this is so the readers can be more accustomed to the bad qualities about her and feel more hatred towards the woman.(i didnt even know he had a wife!) but the storyline is very good. keep up the good work :)
P.S if you like writing stories, like me :), you should try fictionpress.com. publish your stories there and get more reviews from other people as well.
for now see yas!
ahhyos! nakakadala. i mean nakakadala.=) ramdam na ramdam ko ang marubdob na HINAGPIS ng writer. keep up d good work. i'm so convinced na linya mo yan. sana sa susunod na story mo mkakita me - KAHIT KONTING LIWANAG NG PAG IBIG masalimuot ang trahedya ng buhay eh.nakaka bu-ang.hahaha:)
Aunt,Mama Rhoda Molly & Leko Said***
It's really touchy and we liked the story.But i don't like the fact that jiyuu or the husband is the centre of the whole story.How about his wife what happen to her. Next time you should elaborate all the main & part of the character Parang Bitin.. But I'm Impressed My Dear Carizz well Keep up the Good Work.Someday you can be a Good Writer.Just take one day at a Time .Can Wait to see you Here in Canada Land & Lot's of opportunity. . Take Care & I Love You a Lot And So Proud of You...
Aunt,Mama Rhoda Molly &Leko ***
Plot- I like it. Kumbaga yung stroke or hatak mo ng lines hindi boring. As a reader- parang you’ll be craving for more till you met/finished the end.
Story- Ironic. Why? Kasi yung mga regular na reader at sa tunay na buhay walng may Gusto ng tragic ending but on the other hand totoong totoo siya. Madami kang naisulat na hindi man literal na kahulugan pero nire-represent nya Yung buhay ngayon..
Ang gusto ko yung parang di siya tapos… yung reader yung magco-conclude ng ending..
I was wondering kung natuloy siyang magpakamatay or death row… and sabi niya diba, parang At last ito nay un makakasama na niya siya… “siya” he’s pertaining to His daughter or GOD Parang inisip ko tuloy sa sin na nagawa or tinake niya….. makaka-punta ba siya sa langit?
For sure yung bata kasi nasa heaven…
He never asked for forgiveness and he even justified na kasalanan nila yun…
Recently na lang niya naisip na magbigay ng benefit of the doubt.
Or he was pertaining sa Death itself…. Dahil yun na lang tanging naiisip nayang solusyon Kasi He was already hallucinating and parang nababaliw na siya….
As a writer- inisip mo rin yung readers mo…. Di ka masyado gumamit ng High faluting words, which is good kasi not everyone makakaintindi nun.
Improvement- siguro yung redundancy…. May habit ka kasi umuulit ng ginagawa or sinasabi and may same meaning Kang nabanggit dun...
Kaialangan mong i-restrict yun kasi may tendency na ma-boring yung mga readers..
Conclusion: GALING!
Creative mind and intelligent.
I was really impressed dun sa sinulat mo. Gusto ko yung pag-gamit mo ng other culture at naging consistent ka sa Character nila… bout their attitudes,
Culture and all..
Keep it up.
Don’t ever forget to give gratitude to the ONE ALMIGHTY for this talent.
Malayo mararating mo Neng.
Naaliw din ako kahapon sa pagbabasa ng Blog mo.
Hi,
I am not giving any comment on story writing because I am not a writer or philosopher. I like your way of writing. This story shows you have very deep thought on social life and family relation. In this age good senses of humor about social try to use this humor in your social life. Good going keep it up. Waiting for other one.
HI
STUDY AS IF YOU WERE TO LIVE FOREVER, LIVE AS IF YOU WERE TO DIE,
I am all redy choke What a difficult story to tell, but what a painfull executed result
I am really impressed to your writing your cretive minde and deep think,
it s really touch my soul, I liked the story, when I read your story I live with them,
If you saw here and there many jiyu live with us
with other name,but good style keep it up
don’t kill your talent
some time i am weeping when i read this
Whew!!! What a tragic story…I passed over it with the usual reaction for such stories-
sad and totally depressing. A heart-wrenching but enormously intriguing…for the way you did it Carizz, for me a well written story. The lines are really great it’s like I’m in there. The last part of the story got me thinking –did he commit suicide or was sentenced to death or he was just hallucinating or I can say he lost his mind? Whew.. something to ponder…Apparently, this story is awfully relevant nowadays, when some face trials in their lives, they always see the angle that life is unfair to the point of doing something outrageous. I really feel sorry for Jiyuu that it ended that way. I’m 100% opposed to what he did. But it hurt me to think what he have gone through. Still, his complexity in life is not an excuse to do such dreadful thing…I wanted an ending that he should have used his little girl-his angel to move on…
Carizz it amazed me that you could write also story-a unique one You’ve got all the talents huh, you can dance, sing, act, and wow just discovered you have a creative mind in writing also. Keep it up sis, why don’t you try writing a love story – with happy ending…same style, you’re putting the mood of readers in the story…Awesome!!!
Impressive plot, spontaneous and reader friendly! But since I know you personally, I was not surprise with your style, otherwise I would wonder. It was short-short, as in really short in substance though heavy in emotion. Writer spirits is already in you and just work it out for God's glory; I know it is just a start and I believe you can put more Christian value in it by making some additional twist.
Just for literature sake, it is remarkable and I am proud of you! Keep it up! For His glory shines through you Carizz-the writer!
A very impressive
creation...amazing!Seems like a true to life story, a story that's happening nowadays...the 21st century settings of life.
A moral lesson to us..both must always be the supportive otherwise this things will really happen that will ruin everybody & the family.
Anyway, you have a very nice story,keep it up!
huh!!! very interesting...ikaw na ikaw...hehe..seryoso, ang galing ng pagkakasulat mo. Sa simula pa lang napa isip na ako sa mga trials na nangyayari, marami ang di kinakaya ang ganitong sitwasyon. Nadala ako ng message mo, i mean ung ibang mga entries/ stories kasi binabasa ko and yet di ako masyado naging interesado. Dito napapaisip ako kung anong gagawin nia. Kung anong susunod na mangyayari at kung ano ang ending.
ung style mo ng pag susulat ay parang ikaw mismo. interesting, di kagad makikilala sa unang basa/ kita pa lang sau. Dapat makasama ng matagal si Carizz para malaman mo kung gaano din sia katatag sa mga pag subok. Isang malalim na tao.
waiting for the next entry...like love story, comedy...with a happy ending..
keep on writing...continue to used the gift from our GOD..loves loves Sis
First, I knew na magaling kang magsulat at keep it up kapatid...
How about sulat mo buhay ko?hehe..
Or ung mga napapaginipan mo.. ;-)
I like your grammar, me i want same same englisi ah, me teach u englisi ha..hehehe
I cant write but I can read, Very Tragic but yet very impressive float....
I like how u end it leaving some questions to the readers on what really happened at the end of the story...
Basta float ok sya... I cant explain further, mauubos english ko..
magaling magaling.... ^_^
First, I knew na magaling kang magsulat at keep it up kapatid...
How about sulat mo buhay ko?hehe..
Or ung mga napapaginipan mo.. ;-)
I like your grammar, me i want same same englisi ah, me teach u englisi ha..hehehe
I cant write but I can read, Very Tragic but yet very impressive float....
I like how u end it leaving some questions to the readers on what really happened at the end of the story...
Basta float ok sya... I cant explain further, mauubos english ko..
magaling magaling.... ^_^
There is only one thing i could say... continue your talent in writing i know that GOD gave you this kind of talent, Im proud of you. remember that I'am always here to support you and to love you forevermore....
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